


Nice Legs, When Do They Open?

by redpineapple



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bad Porn, Crack, Kink Meme, M/M, i took it too far
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25459639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redpineapple/pseuds/redpineapple
Summary: Lavi's pickup lines are worse than his sense of humour, or so Kanda thinks.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Lavi
Kudos: 19





	1. His Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> Another fill for the DGM kink meme, all this porn can't be good for me.
> 
> The prompt was: "Pickup lines, anyone? The worse, the better."
> 
> This will be a multi-chap, but the chapters are going to be real short, even shorter than my chapters usually are.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own DGM.

"Ooh, very nice. Say right there, that's it, Kanda."

"I will end you, stupid Rabbit."

Not that Kanda was in any position to end anyone. With neither Mugen nor any combat skills that didn't involve a weapon he was helpless. Helpless and mostly naked, exactly the way Lavi liked him.

The redhead had run into the man on his way out of the Order's showers, literally. The smaller man had tumbled down, short towel caught only by virtue of his powerful thigh muscles, which clenched it in place over his favourite area. Lavi just stood and laughed, though the giggles sounded more like a perverse Frenchman than the innocent peals that usually came from him.

"I will fucking tie to a chair and beat you. With a stick. Until Mugen's fixed, then I'll cut you into little bite seized pieces of stupid Rabbit and serve you to the Moyashi."

But that was Monday.


	2. Chopsticks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in like 2012, but I remember having so much fun. I hope someone reads this and smiles.

"Whoa, Yuu. You're making me jealous of those chopsticks."

Kanda glared, deliberating on whether to attack the use of his hated Christian name or the crappy line first.

Deciding that both offenses deserved equal status, he paused in his meal to throw a death glare across the table at Lavi.

"No, don't stop, Yuu. I love watching your mouth work those sticks." The lascivious leer that decorated Lavi pissed him off more than it had the day before - for reasons he didn't care to admit.

"Go die." He paused to allow another bite through his lips, "In a hole. The deep, faraway kind."

"Not sure if I like your voice or the sight of your tongue on those chopsticks more."

Lavi leaned back in his chair, obviously confident, (Lord only knows why) that Kanda wouldn't actually attack him. His fingers toyed with some loose filling in his sandwich.

"Go fuck yourself."

"Ooh, definitely the voice – I wonder how pretty you can scream?"

The red head picked up his tray, deftly twisting aside to miss the chopstick-missiles aimed at him.

"Later, Honey." He purred, veritably sashaying off towards the Moyashi's table.

Kanda had always hated Tuesdays.


	3. He's Never Getting Any

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but it's necessary for the plot (does this even qualify as having a plot. . . .?)

"Mmm. All this ritual's giving me a need to praise."

Kanda stiffened, hating the thrill that shot through him at the Rabbit's sultry tone. Somehow, Lavi's words never failed to light the usually neglected fires in his nether regions. Not that he'd ever admit this to the red head, who lounged against the wall in front of Kanda, looking for all the world as if he actually cared about the ceremony of meditation.

Kanda tried vainly to recover the calm, evenness with which meditation helped him breathe, did the Rabbit have to ruin everything?

"Piss off." Somehow, verbal venting helped his breathing, though it did nothing for his physical reaction.

"But Yuu," he whined, petulant tone belied by his lusty gaze, "I just want to pay my respects – your body's a shrine I'd pay to service." The Rabbit had moved from his place on the wall to poke the incense whose sandalwood smoke wafted through the room, childlike actions failing to match his words.

Kanda dreaded the inevitable follow up line, as tradition dictated, it had to be worse than its predecessor.

"Shut up, damned horny bastard. You're never going to get any from me." Kanda rolled up his tatami mat and moved to the corner of the room to stash it, done with his meditation for the day.

The Japanese man didn't miss Lavi craning his neck not-so-covertly at retain the sight of his ass as long as possible before he turned back around. Goddamn Johnny for being such a perv – what the Hell kind of use did an admittedly effeminate samurai have for tight in the ass exercise pants?

"One of these days you're going to admit that you love it. Just wait, Yuu. Heh, pun."

Kanda took far too much satisfaction in the thwack that the tatami mat made against Lavi's slouching back as the future Bookman made his exit.

At least Wednesday was nearly done.


	4. That Ass

"Don't even think about it."

Yuu Kanda was sick of this shit. The cocky redhead would no longer be given the opportunity to worm his way into Kanda's dreams, or warm his dick with his voice.

As of this moment, Kanda was putting his foot down.

Lavi, however, hadn't quite figured this out.

"Think about what, Yuu? You're perfect ass or that gorgeous hair?"

"Any of it, stupid Rabbit. If you make even one more comment, I'll tell Komui you made a pass at Lenalee and throw you in the path of the Komuirin." The samurai completed his sentence with a grimace he'd meant as a threatening smile.

Lavi shivered, lips pursed. Kanda looked satisfied and made to turn around.

Just as the Japanese man's back was turned, the future Bookman began to cackle, holding back his laughter at the other man was near impossible even for a master in expressions.

Kanda's back stiffened and he threw an indignant look back at Lavi.

"Aww, you're too cute. You really think that giving me a perfect view of both your hair and *that ass* will make me stop?" he wheezed the last few words, having half laughed the whole line.

Kanda blushed.

Because there was one thing that not even asshole Bookmen knew. As far as Kanda was concerned, it was one thing that they would never know.

He kept walking, deciding to make a voodoo doll the second he returned to his room.

Yuu Kanda had a weakness for dirty talk.

Thursday handed Kanda's perpetual glare over to Friday with more enthusiasm than most days possess.


	5. Heads or Tails?

Kanda's skin flushed lightly under the natural tan. He sighed deeply as a tongue traced his areola with teasingly light touches. One hand traced meaningless shapes on his abdomen while the other supported Lavi above him.

The redhead paused in his ministrations, sliding his way up Kanda and pausing just as his lips were about to brush against the Japanese man's.

"I want to play a game."

Kanda was too turned on to glare. His hands were tied to the headboard with Lavi's scarf and the rest of his body was held under Lavi's, which left with no other options.

"I'm going to flip a coin. Heads or tails?" The future Bookman trailed his hands aimlessly over the samurai's chest.

"What's the prize?" gasped Kanda, pissed off with the steadiness in Lavi's voice. "And I don't care . . ugh. . . which."

"Tails never fails," leered Lavi, the look on his face made Kanda shiver. "As for the prize: heads, you get head. Tails, I get tail."

The shiver turned into a full shudder, complete with a small buck. Kanda was a little ashamed of how hot the redhead's sultry tone and words made him.

The samurai grouched lowly as the pressure of Lavi's body was lifted as the redhead moved to collect a coin from his pants pocket.

Returning to the bed, Lavi dropped a kiss to Kanda's lips. Straddling the other man's hips, he crouched over his fellow Exorcist.

Coin in hand, he winked down at the Japanese man. With an experienced flick, he tossed the coin into the air, catching it deftly.

His vision faded as a thump-type noise reverberated through his ears.

Kanda opened his eyes, blinking at the lotus jar that glinted at him from across the room, the only other life-form, bar himself, that occupied his room.

He harrumphed, his version of mourning his sweet dream, though not overly annoyed. He'd been having blue dreams about Lavi for enough consecutive days to know the coin would be flipped again.

The samurai stretched briefly, taking a sharp breath as the damp material of his sleep pants hit the tip of his erection under the weight of his blanket. He didn't bother to check the source of the noise.

"Oh, Yuu. How sweet , you left your door unlocked for me." Called Lavi through the door, "I'm coming in."

"Don't fucking come in." Screeched Kanda, sitting up and dragging his knees up to his chest, ignoring the acute discomfort the action caused.

The door opened and the redhead leaned against the frame, clearly suspicious of the quick movement his entry had incited.

"Time to get up now, Kanda. Or out of bed, either's fine."

If his sailors hadn't been calling half mast, Kanda would have eviscerated the Rabbit and sold it to Jerry for stew.

"That is, if you need a wake-up call."

If Lavi wasn't as fast a runner as his namesake, it would have been the last Friday he ever knew.


	6. Directions

Lavi found it endlessly amusing that Kanda seemed to have no clue how obvious his fetish was.

If the samurai didn't realise that, as a Bookman, Lavi had been trained to notice every tiny change in a person's demeanour, then the redhead sure as Hell wasn't about to tell him.

"Hey, Yuu," he shouted, spotting the samurai a little ahead of him in the corridor, walking uncharacteristically close to a group of Finders.

Kanda ignored him, striding resolutely beside the Finders. Lavi sped himself a little and caught the other man easily, noting that while the Japanese man wasn't happy, he'd figured out that resistance was futile.

"I need directions," continued Lavi, using a hand on Kanda's shoulder to stop the other man and spinning him so that they were face to face.

"Get out of my way, Rabbit." Even the man's glare had softened.

"I just need some directions. C'mon, I know you're not in a hurry."

"Fine. Directions, then get out of my fucking face. Where are you hopping off to die?" Kanda's tone made up for the lack of ferocity in his glare.

Lavi grinned, he adored how pathetically *easy* Kanda was to manipulate. He practically sang his response. "I need directions, *dearest Yuu,* to your heart."

Kanda froze, the barest hint of colour painting his cheeks. It was all the future Bookman could do not to laugh.

He pushed past the redhead, obsidian hair flicking and shimmering in the torchlight, and stalked off.

Lavi would swear on his honour that he heard the Japanese man growl as he moved. Not that he minded; the noise combined with the clear view of that luscious ass somehow made Kanda sexier.

Deciding that a possible animal fetish was not something to worry about right at that moment, Lavi waited until he could no longer distinguish Kanda's dark clothing or hair from the shadows around the torchlight and skipped off, blessing his Bookman's memory for its ability to store images.

Saturday's, decided Lavi, didn't quite suck.


	7. Roses are Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Guess who DGM doesn't belong to?
> 
> Thanks to Anonymussy for the review that kicked my ass back into gear. I won't bother explaining why this chapter is late, but know I'm sorry.
> 
> Moving on: finally, the porn! (A little half-assed, but existent.) Apologies in advance for the cliché/rushed ending.
> 
> Also, slightly OOC Kanda, there really wasn't a way for him to do this IC.

Sunday was one day that Kanda usually didn't mind.

All the churchy Order members (which really meant about eighty percent of the inhabitants) got up practically at sparrow's fart to think devout things and participate in group warbling. At least, that was what Kanda idea of 'going to church' was.

In that respect, this Sunday was exactly like all the rest and an unhealthy percentage of the order were down on their knees.

The distinguishing characteristic for this Sunday was a mere knock on Yuu Kanda's door.

"Kanda~" Lavi's whine floated through the door, "let me in, honey."

"Fuck off." Called Kanda, not bothering to get out of bed.

"I can't, Komui's orders."

Shit, thought Kanda, slipping out from under his comforter as slowly as he could manage, making Lavi wait as long as possible. At least I'll have an excuse if anyone asks why there's Rabbit strung up along the corridors.

"Hurry up, Yuu."

Or maybe I'll just flay him.

Kanda reached the door, realising too late that he'd slept shirtless that night.

Lavi's eyes slipped over the tracks of muscle, pausing at his pert nipples and again at the waistband of his loose, grey pyjama pants, sweeping from side to side in order to appreciate the unrestrained strands of Kanda's obsidian hair. The future Bookman veritably purred as he moved his gaze back to the samurai's face, taking in the baleful look. He took a brave step forward, standing deliberately on Kanda's side of the door.

"Ooh, Yuu. Roses are red, violets are fine, but if you'll be the six, I'll be the nine."

Lavi squawked as Kanda yanked the doorhandle towards him, using the door to pull Lavi inside. Quickly he stepped up to the future Bookman, pressing himself up against the redhead and landing a firm kiss on Lavi's lightly chapped lips.

He stepped back, hands on hips, head cocked. The lack of volupture through the chest was all that kept him from looking like a pissy housewife.

"You are going to explain something to me, Rabbit. What in the name of all that is sacred does Komui Lee, laziest scientist to ever enter the Order, want with me at five thirty in the fucking morning?"

Lavi grinned back at him, reaching a hand out to Kanda. "Easy, you wouldn't have let me in if I told you anything else. Now come back here, Yuu."

Fuck, I fell for it, groaned Kanda inwardly.

"Don't bloody call me Yuu."

He moved back to the redhead, though only because he'd found Lavi to be a decent kisser, not because he'd been invited to, and once again pressed a less than chaste kiss to the future Bookman's soft lips.

After only a brief second, he began to trace Lavi's jawline with his mouth, pausing when he reached his ear. After being antagonised for an entire week, by a more than slightly sexy Rabbit, Kanda was more than ready to break.

"Roses are red, silence is gold, get on your knees and do what you're told." The words fell slowly from Kanda's lips right into the redhead's ear, punctuated with a soft nip the earlobe.

Lavi moaned, slipping his arms around the samurai and pulling him in close, drawing nonsense circles along his back.

Kanda gasped as those same arms moved down to clamp around his hips, motion followed by the rest of the Rabbit. He'd only meant to assert dominance with his comment, he never anticipated Lavi taking him seriously.

The redhead pushed his fingers over the grey material of Kanda's sleep pants, lightly massaging the sensitive skin of the samurai's inner thighs.

A green gaze watched the reflection of itself in his own green pupils as the future Bookman pressed a kiss to his still clothed groin, effectively increasing the tempo of the samurai's breathing.

Lavi began to wend his way back up Kanda's body, pausing to nip, kiss and caress as he brought himself back to eye level with the Japanese man.

The future Bookman chuckled slightly at the look on Kanda's face.

"What? You really thought that I'd just let you tell me where to go simply because you're finally on board? If I didn't listen before, why would I listen now?"

The samurai would have snarled, but his mouth was so busy keeping Lavi's tongue from between his teeth that he couldn't quite remember why snarling was warranted.

He'd be damned if the Rabbit took control of the kiss – it might give him ideas of what else he could dominate.

The kiss continued and the redhead would wait until he thought that Kanda was sufficiently distracted and again trying to slip his tongue in, but every time, the samurai declined, as obstinate sexually as in battle.

Tiring of the intermittent breaks in the kiss where Kanda was forced to purse his lips to refuse the other man's tongue, he pulled back, turning his attention back to abusing the other's jawline. He found mild vengeance in gently using his teeth to nip along the alabaster skin.

The nips turned into a bites, and a short purr echoed from Kanda. The samurai responded by sinking his nails into the tan skin of Lavi's hips.

"Aww, would the sex kitten like some milk?"

"Shut up, Rabbit." Cursed Kanda, deciding that it Lavi was coherent enough to think up lines, then that was something he was definitely going to change. He bit down on Lavi's neck, keeping the pressure just barely on the right side of pleasure, though remaining latched on just long enough to remind the Rabbit whom his erection was pressing into. His hands were not idle, tracing the future Bookman's chest arbitrarily.

"I thought I wasn't, ugh, getting any? Yuu~" Lavi's tongue curled and his voice cracked as Kanda's lithe fingers pushed his waistband aside with no mind for the sensitivity of the redhead's rosy shaft, tone breaking again as the dark haired man trailed a nail over the shining slit.

Kanda might have tried to answer, but Lavi never really cared about that possibility. He saw the beginning of a scowl creep onto the samurai's face and made the decision to kill that particular party right there: the Japanese man never knew when to shut up and take it like a man.

Or, in this case, like a women.

Yuu Kanda may be the closest thing to demonic in the Order, but submissive didn't look good with red hair.

Lavi stepped back from Kanda, kicking off his pants. With an agility that the obsidian haired male hadn't realised the future Bookman possessed, the redhead dropped before him, gloved hands grasping the curve in his back and the backs of his knees as he was swept, princess style, up into surprisingly strong arms.

Having asserted his dominance in the situation, Lavi deposited Kanda on his rumpled bed, kicking the duvet away and bending to meld his lips with the other man's.

Seeming to accept at least a temporary defeat, the Japanese man allowed Lavi to strip him, glaring at the redhead until he was similarly, well *attired* isn't the right word.

The future Bookman's hands tangled around themselves as they kneaded, pumped and *stroked* and *oh, fuck*.Kanda didn't care anymore that first time bottoming was a bloody painful not to mention pathetic idea. Those hands, so damn talented that they simply could not have anything to do with holy work, would be involved.

Their kiss continued and one of the samurai's hands found Lavi's member, the other muddling in his hair, though he was too distracted to pay heed to what exactly he was doing with his appendages, having only barely registered their location. The redhead panted into his mouth though, lips spitting some unknown, uncared about word into the obsidian haired's mouth.

Kanda decided to assume that it was pleasure and not pain that initiated the reaction.

For all he cared, the Rabbit could write a fucking complaint letter to management, if he had an issue. Not like he'd care enough to read it by the time it made it to his desk.

For no reason Kanda could discern, Lavi swept the hand from his dick, pinning it above his head, somehow keeping their lips conjoined, though the missing pressure on his shaft was nothing he appreciated. The redhead lowered his groin to the samurai's, thrusting deeply against his partner. The contact was met with a desperate rutting as the samurai lost himself in the combination of the friction of the rough woollen bedsheet below him and the silk of Lavi's skin. Though even in that moment, Kanda would never have admitted to any of it. He would later ignore his actions by taking some pleasure in the fact that the half-assed fight for seme was a stalemate.

And it was like that, man flesh stroking man flesh, that they came, not quite at the same time, but close enough.

Kanda, of course, tried to sit up immediately, shoving afterglow into the compartment in his mind that contained 'Rabbit-related shit'.

But the Rabbit pulled him back, whispering words that made the theoretically stoic man blush faster than their recent tryst had.

"See these arms, Yuu? They're dying to be wrapped around you."

At present, no, Kanda couldn't see those arms, as he was already being enveloped in them.

He couldn't quite care that he didn't mind.


End file.
